Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.
I think I just got a contact from my own exhale. Def dying.
No, you don't understand. If the words "stop," "alcohol poisoning," and "regret" aren't in the same sentence by the end of the night, I will have failed this birthday.
Just walk up to him nice, spread your legs like smooth peanut butter on toast and scream "LOOK AT MY BEAVER! LOOK AT IT!!"
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
