but i really can't criticize. i blacked out waaaaaay ahead of schedule.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
I wish I could still say I don't know that you taste like bad ice cream.
Hes warming up week old McDonalds french fries, putting hot sauce on them, and counting them with his shirt off.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
Yo this huge scar on my head from the car accident is truly a vag magnet. Probably because I'm telling people I was attacked by a mountain lion and killed it with my bare hands. But hey when life gives you lemons, you use them to get pussy
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
my vagina can't handle any more of our 4 day long smash bash. it should be like a holiday or something. should only happen once a year.
Randomize
