i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
Fuckkkk i made out with a freshman.....but he's old for his age. THIS IS WHAT HAPPENS WHEN YOURE NOT AROUND.
just made one giant jello shot... if i have to study on a saturday night, i'm gonna do it as drunk as possible
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I woke up on karas dogs bed. Lets evaluate our lives.
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
i'm not sure what happened last night.. i do remember the police calling me to find out where i was because apparently at some point i went missing? don't worry though. they found me
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
