what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
At one point during the moaning he reminded me of Forrest Gump
Sober January is a disaster.
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
well you don't shave your pubes into a handlebar mustache and keep the party to yourself
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
All I remember is you shouting "THIS KID IS A FREAKIN' NINJA!!" when he dive rolled over a barbed wire fence and proceeded to ask for his 18th beer.
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