But I don't consider them one night stands. They're auditions.
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?
You played Frank Sinatra today after we had sex. You moved way up in my literal book of men. Congrats.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
video games take priority over anything else you can offer me.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
