she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
First contact since we had sex and it's to get my HBO password. I sure pick winners huh
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
I'm gonna ask his dad. Weed trumps broken heart any day.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
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