Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
I was gonna start crying but as he was asking me for my info i saw him eyeing my rack. So I sorta started pushing them together. He asked me to get out of the car he made me turn around so he could check me out and then he said and I quote "okay ma'am. Everything is fine, I'm going to let you off with a warning. Next time if you're not wearing yoga pants you might not be as lucky" I am blessed.
I would use the term shit faced but I'm too polite for that
We smoked weed. AS A FAMILY. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
Randomize
