when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.
Yessssssssss. I got taped to a couch last night apparently. I also thought i was close to scoring after talking to some chick about hard boiled eggs
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
he gave me a thermos so I could take my coffee with my on drive of shame. I was unexpectedly grateful...
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Dilemma. I'm out of wine and I can't put on clothes to go to the liquor store bc I just got spray tanned. If this isnt white girl problems I don't know what is.
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
Randomize
