Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet
So how much of last night are we going to pretend never happened? Enough to stay friends?
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
It just makes me feel nauseous. And I don't want to feel nauseous when all I really want is to get off.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
Randomize
