It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.
I just licked the seasoning off all the doritoes in the bag. Tell me when I should stop drinking or I'll just move on to the sunchips
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
My liver and I thought we knew what we signed up for. We were wrong.
I totally OverDed on K2 last night. I felt like I was made of lead and then I had a panic attack.
Bitch guess who just got a fucking taser
There is an alarming amount of food in my bra.
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
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