I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
I love how my cats smell like pot.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
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I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
I think having a vagina should be considered a skill, give me a break.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
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I feel bad cuz I was his ride home, but I didn't know I was going to have a religious experience with a guy in a cookie monster t-shirt. You can't plan for that shit.
I need all the beers. I want to be holding on to the grass so I don't fall off the earth drunk.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
All the doctor said was why
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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