i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth
If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
I've sold more douches working here than one man should sell in a lifetime
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Dude. That's like masturbating until the point that you're going to climax, then stopping, waiting for a few seconds and then starting all over. While that does lead to an altogether more powerful orgasm, it's still annoying as hell until you get there.
I was not expecting that analogy.
No one ever expects that analogy.
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
