Yeah. I woke up naked in his bed this morning and remember saying "Get a condom cuz I can't afford an abortion right now" last night. He didn't run. He's a keeper
our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
They just came out of my bathroom and asked if I could spare them a condom. See. Its a good thing I have some.
Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
So wait. Let me get this straight lol... you... are are considering offering fetish services to "trample and own" someone for $80 in order to pay for someone to come organize ur shit? Pure genius.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Randomize
