plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
so he was shitfaced and kept using sticky notes to label everything like "beer spill" and "going to fuck later"
I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.
We tried. It's impossible to cum while bouncing on a trampoline. It's like trying to sneeze while keeping your eyes open.
Worst case scenario: I have VD and will die. That's the worst that could happen. As long as I'm around long enough to see the winner of bachelor pad, I'm cool
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
