Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
You really realize what your life's become when you're sitting alone in the house crying in a santa hat and pjs getting stoned on christmas eve before noon.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Awkward sister question: which game of thrones female left would you fuck?
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
Randomize
