just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
He tried to brush a hair off my cheek, but turns out it was just a freakishly long chin hair. So no, we didn't bang.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
That’s talent right there. Maverick and Goose type shit.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
I’m not dating him for his personality. I’m dating him so I can steal his dog.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
