I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
I just drove by a church. On the sign out front was written 'crocodile cock'. On both sides.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
I got drunk enough that when camel suggested jumping off the pier, I thought it was a fantastic plan. Also my blood hurts.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
I am sure I don't wanna know but I have to ask... Why is there a kiddie pool full of jello in the living room?
My yoga ball is now going to be used for actual exercise instead of somewhere to suction cup a dildo
I loaned him a tie and then had to tie it for him. I'm like his weird lesbian girlfriend.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
No I dont want him to bring his twin brother, cause then ill have to entertain him with my vagina
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