Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Yeah I'd rather get obliterated at home.
Same here. I'd like to ensure that I won't get pissed on.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You ruined the universe
I should probably just LinkedIn request everyone I've ever slept with so they stop popping up on my suggested connections list
Randomize
