I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
we were both hunting dick last night. it ended terribly for both of us.
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Those were the days I had no morals... Dark times.
Shall we take a trip back?
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
Some girl is sitting topless in the kitchen and having a Skype video chat with some guy. I already like it here.
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
