Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
Walked into the bar with my burrito and ordered a round of shots for everyone. Not sure if I want to look at the credit card statement.
Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful
Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
You should've come to the party. It was like an identity parade of everyone you screwed last year.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
I feel like a girl who eats her problems away with fast food.
When all else fails, you can always look down at your enormous penis.
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
When you realized the door was unlocked, you did the mission impossible yheme song and snuck into the bathroom. And continued it while you peed.
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