So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
its amazing there are so many photos of me and him separately, since most of that party time was spent sneaking away to fuck upstairs...
Man I'll cab it I'll be sloshed by then. There's turtles involved
Drink for every country you've never heard of.
Fuuuuuuuuuck
Its like he woke the dragon, and the dragon is hungry for a good dick.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
Give me a minute. I'm trying to buy moonshine from a railroad worker named "Cowboy."
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
Randomize
