the pool opens at 11. by 1115 the ambulance had been called.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
You were trying to swim on the floor while eating a hot-dog bun and laughing about how much you hate bread and didn't understand why you were eating it..
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
If we could give a gymnastic score to drunken nights, I would be a part of the Fab Five.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
i found you in bed eating fish fillets dipped in chocolate pudding
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
She complained to dominos last night for hanging up on her, and then she wrote "fuck you dominos" on the receipt when we got our pizza
So we are banned from the campus dominos
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
