I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
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Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
Well the streets were closed, so it was okay for me to just lay down for a little bit.
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I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
Man...I want to get monumentally fucked tonight.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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