oh. my. god. the guy i hooked up with last night is currently wearing a dress.
That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
Sorry I blacked out in bed
it was real late and you were brushing your teeth with miller light. it was bound to happen.
Randomize
