you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
my bedside table was not meant to hold this many beer bottles.
I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.
i hope this doesn't spoil anything but there are vikings and it is awesome
underwater hpnotiq shots? sure why not.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
this relationship shit is hard. like i'd like to be able to watch veep without him trying to dry hump me. also im drunk and its 11 am so
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
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