There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
When he was fingering me, it felt/looked like he was digging around for pocket change.
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
Fucking suck it up and drink your feelings like a normal human being.
Randomize
