i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.
she hot?
i don't wanna talk about it
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
i dont want to stoop that low. but my dick does.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Visiting Houston was a good decision for my penis.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
I someohow managed to lose my butt plug in tne midst of moving to B.C. and I am not a happy camper.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
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