apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out
I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth
When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
He was so drunk last night. He woke up out of a dead sleep at 330am, walked over to the dresser, opened his middle drawer and proceeded to pee. When I woke up and asked him Wtf he was doing, he told me it was fake pee and blamed it on the cat...we don't have a cat
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