just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I kno. She bruised her chin trying to swim thru the hardwood floor.
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I saw a picture of my dad holding my legs in a kegstand. Town festival=success.
If I come in tomorrow with a cane and a seeing eye dog it's because I just mixed up my salicylic acid acne stuff with my eye makeup remover
Whoever put the rooster in the elevator is my fucking hero. Who even thinks of that shit?
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Yeah I would come and meet you but there's 3 polish girls yelling at a drunk polish guy in the carpark outside. They just dumped a whole pizza over his head and I want to see where this ends...
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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