Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
definitely just fell out of bed trying to plug in my phone. when did laziness start getting painful?
You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Uhmmmm is there really any way to tactfully ask "you into me jerking you off with my feet... or nah" cause if you find one let me know 😂
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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