ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient
It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
There's a middle eastern man wearing a cow costume with tequila coming out of his udders, but I'm not sober enough to feel uncomfortable with it.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
HOLY FUCK COMFIEST CHAIR EVER
So your bra was hanging in the Christmas tree last night at some point I think
hahaha every time i hear a motorcycle i think about that one time you almost died
Thanks for the flashbacks you prick.
idk wtf was in that bud but I was talking to my dead dog last night bro holy shit
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
He showed up in a Prius. I didn’t even wanna.... So I left.
Randomize
