No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
How can it be called memorial day weekend....I don't even remember this weekend
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers
When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.
I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.
And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned
Walk of shame dressed as a Christmas tree, it happened. Ho ho ho bitches
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I've had my dick out in public way too much for someone my age...
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
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