I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Apparently throwing up on your own cape is still a party foul
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
We should never set our expectations higher than pizza bagels cause then our night is bound to get better
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
kick those bitches in the teeth and tell them mama came to party
We smell like vodka and hangover
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
Randomize
