If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
watching my parents drink 4 loko out of usf cups playing pool and rocking out to ACDC...
Can I come live with you?
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I should have questioned it early on when they said bring beer and chocolate syrup
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
It is 5:00PM and I'm just now putting on underwear.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
Randomize
