Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
IM FEEDING MY CAT ALL THE HAM
Classic dick move. Breaking up your buddies 3-some by coming into his room and doing the Harlem Shake.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
some kid lit a j in the bar tonight. i was in awe of both his boldness and the severe beatdown he received moments later
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
i'll talk to you in three hours when you've stopped foaming at the mouth and your eyes have rolled back into place
LIKE ALL I WANT TO CURE MY HANGOVER IS PORKROLL AND LIKE 85% OF THIS COUNTRY DOESN'T KNOW WHAT IT IS
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
You're telling that to the kid drinking Jack in nothing but a graduation cap
I just ordered a five person drink for myself.... Right about now you should start saving me from myself....
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