In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
I wish I only lived at night.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
When your guy changes his swinger profile to include you. #makingprogress
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Randomize
