I wish I only lived at night.
I've heard semen is good for your skin though, so that pimple on my chin should clear right up.
you guys are cousins why the FUCK are your pants off
since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.
You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.
On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.
Some old truck driver just made me smell his beard I hope tonight turns out better
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
Is it a bad sign starting the new year off naked, wet, and alone?
Asking for a friend of course
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
He woke up wondering who broke in and rearranged all the furniture. He reviewed 11 hours of security footage before I told him he did it while whiskey-drunk.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
