No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
mark tries to be a total badass to make up for the fact that he's a poor man's pete wentz
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I just mistook cooking oil for the whiskey that was also on the counter... They're the same colour. That was not a good shot... I need to not drink alone.
I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
i can't hookup with him because someone else bit my vagina
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Can you send me the picture of me licking the cows udders?
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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