You're my little dorito
I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?
What the hell did you do last night?!
Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
I'm just gonna eat nachos and wine fruit forever.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
If wanting to text you my feelings after three mojitos is wrong I don't wanna be right.
Where are all your bongs? Your Dad wants to make sure they're put away before his family gets here.
Umm....in my room, on my closet, under the bed and behind my laptop.
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