the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
The US State Dept doesn't need to know I'm a high strung drunken whore.
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
It's beautiful and huge. Like a dinosaur.
If I could steal your goatee and hide it under my bed to keep your from wearing it, I would.
dude, there is no doorman in your lobby and the front door is locked
oh yeah, sorry he's up here at the party. coming now
Randomize
