I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
If i spent $300 & took that thing home i would hate myself today.
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
He started going down on me while we were watching Land Before Time.
Incredible.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
Officially locked in my status as an indifferent millennial by downloading Tinder.
You set a couch on fire in my brothers backyard?
Just the cushions
man do I wish I knew who this naked guy in my room was...
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
