if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I just made out with a girl with a life jacket on wtf is going on
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
You might have been able to redeem yourself had you not referred to grandma as "this bitch".
That explains the hand print on my face. That old lady knows how to throw a punch.
I might stash a bottle of vodka in your mailbox, that way if I wanna leave early I can drink in your frontyard till you get back.
he walked up looked at my boobs then looked at my eyes then looked at my boobs again smiled and said "can I get you and the girls a shot "
So, my love of dick may have landed me in a cult. On the bright side, I now have a discount at Spencer's.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
Randomize
