my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?
i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
THE ALMIGHTY HAS FALLEN DRUNKENLY OFF HIS HIGH HORSE AND INTO HOLLY'S VAGINA
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
if I blackout nd am found tomorrow w butterfly hairclips on my nipples and my habd down my pants tell my family I am sorry
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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