fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up
i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one
ravioli
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
I'm so horny
I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
What are the chances I get my period 2 weeks early just as welcome week starts. My uterus is conspiring with my dead catholic grandma
i just drunk stumbled into my home... to figure out that we moved 2 weeks ago..
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
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