so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
we just stared at taco bell's menu on the website for 2 hours
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
Nope. Flying out tonight. Staying with my great aunt who is an ex nun turned hostel owner. Best and likely most dangerous St. Patty's Day to commence in 10 hours. IRELAND!
Be safe. And I hate you.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Want to do me the honour of waxing my legs again before I go to Mexico? I feel like it's a tradition we shouldn't break.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I love you with the passion of a thousand FUCKBOYS during the height of week 1 texting
I haven't been single on my birthday for 7 years. If you don't get me laid tonight, your best friend/wing woman status will be revoked.
Randomize
