he was like a christmas ornament you would hang on the back of the tree....not great but still made the cut.
If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Well it involved jumping two nine foot fences. But when you mix alcohol and persistence you can't lose.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
Just spilled beer all over my bed. Should cut myself off, but instead I just took my shirt off and used it as a towel.
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Once again I let my vagina make the decisions...that and vodka :(
come on Dane.. ive been there. im like the female version of you, except with morals
Randomize
