Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
His penis makes me feel like a mystic dragon sliding down a turbo slide covered in white gumdrops and sour cashews
Same.
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
Whoa, I am aware of WAY too many squirrels right now...
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
My boobs love her too. She makes them feel important even though they're small
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I literally just force feed a guy flintstone vitamins after sex
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
What happened to your back?
Rug burn. My ass is even worse.
Randomize
