i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Jasmine is diving into bushes again.
There is a midget driving a powered tricycle around town. I am not drunk, stoned, or lying.
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
Randomize
