he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
Two ladies just showed up with my fucking purse. It was in the fucking street. I'm a train wreck. As a financial advisor, this shouldn't happen. I should be an adult.
I have bruises all over my body. Seriously, I'm a train wreck. I'm too damn old for hangovers like this.
I saw a kitty kat get finger blasted on the couch by a Bulls player
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her son walked into the middle of the living room, took off his diaper, shit on the floor, smiled at me, and walked out, as if nothing happened.
So date night went well?
I got so drunk last night I took a ice bath with my mother in law
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
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