and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Well, I saw an Olympian's genitals tonight, so it can't be that bad.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Did you just email Kelly and I gay dinosaur erotica?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
I just want to buy drugs without having to pay an arm and a leg for it. Is that a horrible thing to ask for?
I mean, it's not like you can exactly complain to the manager and higher ups about it.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize
