mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
he just asked if i would like him to change his diet so his jizz tastes better. keeper? i think so.
What do you say about some mid-afternoon anal?
just shaved my legs at the gas station bathroom before going to the club. is that too ghetto?
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Just beat off to internet porn while talking to my mom on the phone and eating a cinnamon roll. U have 5 minutes to get on my level
On campus. Grown men in women's sexy bee costumes. Complete with legwarmers. This cannot be real life.
Some guy just drank alcohol from me shoe..I think he's had enough..
They were swingers. Real swingers. Thought it was going to be awesome until some fat guy tried to put my dick in his mouth.
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
I'd love you more if you were covered in hot cheetos
Just remembered that I got laid thanks to my glow in the dark Batman belt buckle. Need to wear it more often.
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Randomize
