Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
Just had my butthole waxed. If that changes your plans for Saturday..
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
Bro I just got a hand job playing tiny wings.. Hell yea
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
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