I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I realized today that the only things I'm guaranteed to have with me at all times are lipgloss, condoms and a USB drive. hmmm...
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
It's like the perfect sandwich, once you find it you want to ensure your future access to it.
Randomize
