apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
It's like the Sean Connery of vaginas. You don't mess with it.
I have "you made mistakes last night" written alllll over me.
Well, both are illegal but one involves my vagina a whole lot less.
I was. I was trying to blow bubbles in the toilet after I threw up in it. They had to carry me everywhere. I lost a sock.
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.
The best part about being single is knowing how much everyone secretly creeps behind their gf/bfs back. You wouldn't believe..Have a great date night!
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Alvin just won tickets on the radio. I guess he's out of jail.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Made out with some dude at the bar last night. Was fun until he thought bohemian rhapsody was by The Who
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
