I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
forecast for tonight is alcohol, low standards and poor decisions.
I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
Omg i either met the gayest dude ever or my next boyfriend
And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....
I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Revised rule: don't put your dick in the general vacinity of mental instability.
Not even dry humping. Not even a little bit.
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I AM A SEXUAL NIGHTMARE
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
By talk things out did he mean have passionate angry sex?
Randomize
