I'm gonna get wrecked tn I might have to keep my phone at home cause I'm sure ill send you really weird txts
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
Besides. I seriously had a dream that George W Bush came over and slapped some tabs down on my kitchen counter and said "let's get juiced.". It was a sign to not get too fucked up
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We knew we were dealing with a pro when some random guy at the bar thew you over his shoulder and you still didn't spill your drink
Strangely enough, that's not the first time that's happened
You're not married and none of these idiots are committing to you so whore it up on whore island
Can we go to pirate hooker whore island then
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
Woke up this morning with a plate of ravioli in my bed. Who says being single can't be fun?
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize