You should dream of me :)
I'm going to dream of single life.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
those are such fre$h shoes
going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
Hookers taste better with whip cream
Maybe we ought to get some pennicillin too
Fair enough
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.
I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
What would you do if your asshole suddenly made the sound of a sheep duck baa/quacking the words kill me
You are so incredibly one of a kind, it's astounding
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I'm fucking blazing boy. 5hr weed sauce kicked in and my entire face feels like an 8ball of gold bond flying down a mountain of Fresh powder. Just gliding.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
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