He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Just saw a maroon grand am stop on my street, the driver opened the door, vomited, and then drove away like nothing happened. Been there, done that.
i used the pictures of vaginas in your biology book to jack off.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
Do you remember giving me altiods and wishing me good luck on the walk home?
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I don't know who's more excited for you to come home. Me or my vagina
So how'd the job interview go?
well turns out the guy interviewing me was a regular at the strip club where i used to work. Talk about awkward
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Randomize
