Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
Shes sitting on the front porch puking in to the pumpkin she just carved...in the rain. I guess pumpkin spice tequila shots wasnt our best idea.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
One minute we were playing beer pong, and the next minute I was sprinting to my apartment with a watermelon. wtf happened in between?
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
