thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.
I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?
I wish they'd wear their tampons on the outside. At least gimme some warning
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.
Hey man, I found your crocs and your visor in the road. Got em for you.
Her dad high fived me on the way out the door. Not the reaction i expected after she came so loud.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
Sometimes, it’s important to take a moment and kinkshame yourself.
Randomize
