Are you okay?
Don't worry. Self-respect preserved. My speech was Grey's quality... I made him cry.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
The crooked penis I maybe could have looked past...but no foreplay? Deal breaker.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
I dropped my slice of pineapple on the kitchen floor and was just staring at it about to cry. It was really good pineapple.
Randomize
