Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Omg he has a washer and dryer IN his apartment and lots of back up toilet paper. I went home with an adult. My uterus is pumping out eggs beyond my control.
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
Well I want to be mistreated and called a slut and finger banged
But I guess hugs would be nice
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
the raccoons are back...
Randomize
