His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
a large sweaty girl i dont know is sleeping in my bed. A scotish man and a small child looking dude are on the couches im on the floor sleeping and im ok with it
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
I need you to sex the hangover out of me again.
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